things are changing again. that doesn’t necessarily need to be a bad thing, but at the same time I get the feeling that once all this has subsided, nothing will have improved. that’s the weird thing about my life at the moment. 

I go through these bad phases during which things seem bleak and seem pointless, and when I come out the other side. nothing is any different. I suffer for weeks on end and go through so much petty distress and self degradation but don’t seem to be any stronger for it.

i just wish that these things were working towards some sort of end point. some sort of conclusion.
when i was a child all i could ever think about was what would come next, what would be the next great adventure. Now I honestly feel like Im just waiting for it to all… not end but just come to a natural conclusion. I feel like whatever part I was supposed to play is now redundant. maybe i springboarded somebody else into their own bright glimmering future, maybe I facilitated somebodies growth to a point where they became capable of fulfilling their destiny.

I think the problem here is that i’m not content with simply making other people happy any more. Im not content with the idea of “just” helping other people for ever, an important factor considering my career choice. I do still love to see my patients happy and I love that I’m in the privileged position to help and reassure people when they feel most vulnerable but still.
I don’t want to reach the end of my life and not have had my own conclusion. I want to amount to something spectacular, it doesn’t matter whether it is publicly recognized. I just want to feel like I did as a kid.

I want some of that childhood arrogance back. Granted back then a lot of it was bullshitting and blagging rather than actually knowing my shit but that doesn’t change the fact that i felt good about what I did, I felt that what i did mattered and was uniquely something I could do.

I want to find that thing again, find that thing that makes me special.

A lucky boy